Part 1

Part 2

“MY MANA TAP BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD”

WHERE’S PUPPY – PART 3

My favourite flirtation line I think. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, my name’s Rawrawr, and I'm a proud member of the Blackadders guild on Hellscream. I’m also Auntie Hala’s niece. Level 64 years old now and counting but hey, I’ve still retained my youth *cough*unlikegnomes*cough*. I have some habits/traits befitting a blood elf, gnome, and furbolg. Don’t ask about the family history and why Auntie Hala and I are related – it’s boring. First there are the blood elf traits – I’m rude, I flirt (far too much), I say what I think and am therefore tactless but I have a kind heart. Then the gnomish traits – I’m rude, I flirt (far too much), I say what I … oh wait … hrhr. And the furbolg traits? Well, we all know those. Although I can’t get my furbolg disguise being a horde, I can still RAWR! like em.

This is me. Aren’t I pretty? Oh, you think so? You wanna see my mana tap … ?

Auntie Hala called me the other day upset because she still couldn’t find her short ass friend Puppy Poo. Jeez, you’d think she’d lost her underwear or something the way she was snivelling. But poor Auntie Hala wanted me to look in the horde areas of Outlands and Azeroth to see if I could find him there. She already had other Alliance friends working on it and her numerous furbolg friends who I’d never met and was never likely to, sadly. I was hoping there wouldn’t be any dinosaurs like Schwick – he chased me and my friend Abrams a few times around Un’Goro and fortunately we managed to stop him when we stuck chewing gum under his foot. That certainly stopped him in his tracks. Abrams is an undead but I’m sure I still saw flesh falling off his bones he was running that quick. At least he can’t poo himself being undead. At least I think so.

My friend Abrams, he’s seen my mana tap loads of times.

So I figured the best place to start was Undercity. Not the most awesome of places – no hot guys there. Let me just tell you my three favourite things in the whole wide world – cute boys, shopping, and cookies. I’m always on the look out – it’s healthy for a girl of my demeanor. So I wandered round Undercity. The stink is awful! The authorities really should do something about the smell coming from the river. It’s GREEEEN!! It’s disgusting. And all those troll bars? Not attractive places at all. I mean, I know a few really nice trolls but bones in their noses? Uh uh, no way.

Not a hot guy

My new boots were killing me as I wandered around and I kept getting my heel caught in the pavement cracks (another one for the complaint list) when suddenly I ran into this big ‘thing’. It’s stomach was wide open and I could see body parts which I suspect were from Alliance who had lost their way. Gross! It was burbling and muttering incoherently and I couldn’t understand a word it was saying. Drool was hanging from its bottom lip and, dare I say it, I saw poo stains on it’s legs. Much worse than seeing Auntie Hala standing near a cookie jar but that’s a story for another day. I was so disappointed – no hot guys and no decent shops in Undercity. I really fancied a new hat.

I figured I might go visit the furbolgs in Azshara. They always have nice cookies and they’re always pleased to see me. They’re not hot but they’re cute and cuddly.

Me and Gatekeeper Rageroar a couple of months ago – he’s so lovely and tells me nice stories

I chatted to the furbolgs for a while and they told me about all the mean people who come up to Azshara to kill them for their skins. I was very sad for them but cheered up a bit when they said they were like us, they could rez at the nearest graveyard and carry on about their business. They said they often saw Auntie Hala riding around collecting herbs and sometimes she stopped and had coffee and cookies with them. I’m not sure if I could ever see a furbolg as ‘hot’ but they are certainly good for furry cuddles.

Before leaving Azshara I went to visit the Midsummer Festival to let my hair down a bit. They had a maypole and I danced around but I was all on my own. No cookies, no shops, no boys. Poo. Oh well.

Dancing round the maypole – good fun, but no boys

I thought well, I’ve visited Undercity, I may as well go visit Orgrimmar and see what they have there. I always get lost in Orgrimmar. It’s very dusty and doesn’t do anything for my hair. It kinda goes all dull, not to mention what it does to my nice clothes. There were some nice shops there but they didn’t sell hats, well, none that I liked anyway. I bought myself an ice-cream and wandered about hoping to spot some hot boys and found myself in this huge hallway with lots of orcs in it. As I wandered to the back of the room, there was a giant orc sat on a massive chair and he looked very busy. I suddenly realised it was Thrall. I’d heard he was quite cute but boy was he tasty!

I meet Thrall

He was on his knees and he didn’t look well at all. I offered to show him my mana tap but he said to come back another time. Ho hum. I asked if I could have a go at sitting on his chair and he said yes. So I sat on his chair and boy was it hard and cold. I told him he needed to buy some cushions otherwise he’d get piles, well at least that’s what Auntie Hala says. He said he didn’t know of any good hat shops but he’d show me his selection of swords if I waited around for a while. He also suggested I buy some proper pants to wear as, judging by the photo (taken by his orc servant) it looks like I’m not wearing any. Oops. So now I needed a new hat AND pants.

Oh dear – I hope I don’t get piles too

I figured I’d have more fun in Outlands so I wandered around there for a while. I figured there might be hats and pants in Zangarmarsh as I heard Cenarion Refuge has nice stuff. So I trotted off there and would you believe it? Some fat ass Fel Reaver was stood in my way so I couldn’t pass. I didn’t want him to pat me on the head like he had done previously. Strength is an attractive feature in men (I presume the reavers are men) but too much is just icky. Anyway, he was so tall he couldn’t hear me shouting at him to move. Now I know how Auntie Hala feels being so small.



These fel reavers are a bit dumb



I sighed. Where were all the godamn shops! I trotted back towards Thrallmar and bumped into this cute little doggy who wanted me to follow him. He was soooo sweet! I gave him some of my cookie crumbles and he wagged his little tail and said he wanted to be my guardian. Anyway, my new friend wanted me to follow him as he needed some help. How could I resist such a cute little face? We wandered up towards the Mag’har Post and I stopped on the way to admire the Mag’har Grunts. Such fabulous muscles! But how do you kiss an orc with those teeth? Would it make me dribble? What if they have bits of food stuck there? One of the Grunts nearby got down on his knees and bowed to me. How lovely! I asked him if he wanted to see my mana tap but he said he had to keep watch for intruders and he’d be in deep trouble if he was caught flirting. I figured that was fair enough but I took his number for later.

An orc grunts kneels before me. How nice!

I followed my new doggy friend further up the hill and he took me to Gorkan Bloodfist. Another hot guy! I never realised that so many tasty chocolates could be in one big box! But back to reality. He was upset and I hate it when guys get upset. It’s so sad. He said his friends were ill and that he needed help restoring their health and would I help? Not one wanting to see a grown man cry, I readily agreed and when he turned his back to look for the health potions, I secretly licked his muscly arms. Yum yum. I also secretly slipped my contact details into the hem of his pants. Auntie Hala would be so proud!

Gorkan – I admired his arms

So I healed a few of Gorkan’s friends and boy, were they happy! They’re in my debt … hmmm …

Nice legs

Nice arms

Can’t see his butt from where I’m standing

It was by this time that I realised there weren’t any shops around here but Gorkan gave me some cookies for helping out. He said I needed to go to Stonebreaker Hold in Terrokar to let some apothecary guy know his health potion had worked. He paid for my flight which was kind and as I flew away I saw him scratching his bottom. He reached inside the back of his pants and saw what had been making his bottom itch – my scrap of parchment with my name and contact details on it. I hope he calls!

So I went to Terrokar to see this apothecary dude. I shuddered as I saw his rug on the floor but he assured me it was fake and not a furbolg. He said,

“But we have returned, spirit! We have returned to honor you again. Favor us with your presence once more.”

I am honoured … not

I thought that was very kind of him to honor me and was about to offer to show him my mana tap but then realised he was talking about my doggy friend. Humph. Oh well never mind. I gave my doggy some more crumbles and he said he had to go to help out some other people. I gave him a hug and rubbed his chest and he liked it so much he let me rub his tummy. How cute!





Anyway, I said to this dude that all I wanted was a new hat, and pants if possible. I was at my wits end. My head was cold and my lack of a decent pair of pants suggested I was a blood elf with no class whatsoever. He said I should go see Rema in Blade’s Edge. She’s a huge wolf who lives in a cave just at the entrance but that I’d have to fight my way through lots of spiders to get there. I HATE spiders. Nasty creepy crawly things. I managed it though. A few frostbolts and frost novas later, I was standing next to Rema. I gave her some cookies and asked her if she had a new hat I could have.

Rema said she’d made one earlier. She got bored in the cave all day unless some unsuspecting Alliance came past and she could eat them. I shuddered when I thought of Auntie Hala but Rema said not to worry and that Auntie Hala had brought her cookies too. Rema gave me my new hat and I loved it! It looks so cute! Makes me look foxeh. She also looked at my poor bare legs and took pity on me, and made me a new pair of pants while I waited. To show how grateful I was I … no I didn’t offer to show her my mana tap … I painted her nails a nice black color – it’s the latest undead fashion. Very gothic. She was very pleased with the look and said I could drop by anytime to say ‘hello’ and share cookies.

Rema’s new nail polish. My new hat and pants.

I decided to do a bit of questing before I headed home for a TV dinner in bed. I really fancied Pizza while watching Gnome Alone 16. I imagined it would be rubbish but I could always play a bit of The Sims if I fancied. I went off to Zangarmarsh (the fat ass fel reaver had moved by then) to see what I could find. I bought some Sporeling Snacks for my cute little doggy friend should I ever see him again and I went off over the bridge to kill some ogres. Then at least I could say I’d worked kinda hard today. The first ogre I bumped into was so terrified of my mask he died without me doing anything! Yay! My new hat rocks! Look how scared he is!

Haha. Look how scared the ogre is!

After scaring a few more ogres with my new hat, I went back to Thrallmar to sort out the crap in my handbags. As I was rummaging around for my hairspray, I heard one of the orcs shouting something about girl gnomes with pigtails being forced to work. I thought again about poor Auntie Hala and prayed that she would never find her way into Thrallmar.

Forced gnome labor should be stopped!

I doubt the people here would be very understanding despite the fact she’s my auntie. Auntie Hala is quite lazy anyway, she’s always sleeping on the job. Bit freaky too because sometimes she levitates but I suspect that’s a constant stream of bottom wind that’s making her float.

Auntie Hala sleeping on the job

I trotted into the centre of Thrallmar to hand in some quests and stuff and suddenly he was there before me. The love of my life. I’d never noticed him before but he was wearing the same hat as me and he was holding a MASSIVE chopper!! Perhaps that’s a sign!?! I wandered over and stood next to him and I was so nervous I couldn’t speak. Auntie Hala would approve although she’d be too small to see past his manly bottom. He looked down at me fondly and told me his name was Nazgrel, and said I had some very important missions to do on behalf of the horde and did I have time to help. Jeez of course I have time! My legs went a bit wobbly as I gazed into his eyes and I almost fell backwards. Unlike Auntie Hala, I don’t poo or wee myself when nervous or excited.

Me and Nazgrel sitting in a tree …

I figured I’d do one mission at least, before I went to bed so I decided that in order to go out with a bang for the day, I’d do the bombing quest. There’s nothing more satisfying than throwing lumps of windrider poo from a great height on nasty monsters. So before boarding said beast, I thought I’d look in the local shop to see if there were any toffees for sale. As soon as I approached the vendor I noticed a skull floating in the air above the counter and it was talking incessantly!

Poor thing must have jaw ache from all that constant yakking. As I drew closer, I realised it was Auntie Hala using some weird form of furbolg magic! She must’ve got her friend Modnahria to do that. She was shouting at me for shopping and not looking for Puppy as I’d promised. Oh shit. I’d completely forgotten. I tried to say sorry but the constant nagging was hurting my ears.

OMGWTFPWNMUFFINBBQ!

“You said you’d look for Puppy nagnagnag in Outlands nagnagnag but all you do is shop nagnagnag and look at boys nagnagnag and show them your mana tap nagnagnag.”

Finally! She stopped talking for what seemed like an eternity. I promised I’d go look in the library in the Scryer’s Inn to see if I could find some old furbolg writings and I promised never to shop or look at boys again (except Nazgrel, and maybe the orc at Maghar whose name I forget now. Oh, and Thrall). She seemed happy with that and said that Modnahria had magicked me a friend who would help me learn to read properly before I could find anything.

“You should’nt have skipped school nagnagnag. All you did was look at boys nagnagnag and go to the local shops nagnagnag and hang out with the boy blood elves nagnagnag, instead of reading nagnagnag”

Sigh.

Musty books give me and the Yeti sneezles

As I made my weary way back to Shattrath, I wondered who could be waiting for me. In the Inn I found the cutest little yeti! He grunted and said he normally hung out with Auntie Hala but that she’d sent him to me as a guardian. Another guardian! How cute! I gave him some cookies (he said Auntie Hala had taught him how to steal them too) and rubbed his tummy before we turned to look at the musty old books in the Scryer’s library. Now what was I supposed to be doing again … ?