Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Everyone knows that furbolgs make the tastiest cookies. It’s written in musty books and on ancient pieces of bloody cloth and tree bark. Furbolgs guard their secrets with the utmost care and diligence, and those who dare to infiltrate the furbolg’s secrets are usually subjected to the Curse of the Deadwood. This is a nasty rash that itches for days which I can imagine must be hell if you are wearing lots of armor and can’t get it off in time to scratch.
So it was a surprise when I was shopping in Ironforge looking for nice underwear in the Auction House (not second-hand of course), and a little baby furbolg came trotting up to me with a scrap of tree bark in his hand. I recognised him as Smallpaws, the son of Kernda who lives in the tunnel leading to Winterspring.
Smallpaws shares a secret
He looked very excited and was trembling so much I thought his little furry legs were going to give way! I quickly picked him up and took him to one side and sat him on my knee. “I have a message for you Auntie Hala. You must quickly visit us up in the tunnel. We have something exciting to share with you!” With that, he quickly pressed the scrap of tree bark into my paws, licked my nose, and disappeared in a poof of furbolg magic!
Smallpaws is sometimes a very polite furbolg
Sometimes I think Smallpaws spends too much time with my imp, Choham (who is also rude)
I looked at the message and the strange furbolg symbols translated as something like this (it is difficult to translate furbolg directly to other languages), “Rawwwr grawww come quick rawwr secret truffles rawrawr”.
I quickly told my furbolg friends Sni, Vulcor, and Skree about this, and without further ado we summoned our mounts and galloped up to Felwood to see what Kernda needed. Maybe they had run short of their favourite snack and needed us to help find some more materials to make more of them. When we eventually arrived Kernda was so excited to see us and she kept running around in circles and drooling a lot. Eventually she stopped and greeted us with open furry paws.
Kernda greeted us with open furry paws
“Rawr! I am so glad you have all arrived. I have the tastiest secret to share with you and your friends in Azeroth and Outlands. As you all know, us furbolgs have our own secret seasonal rituals, however we observe the festivities of Winter Veil out of a mark of respect for our non-furbolg friends. Therefore this is an important time of year when everyone must be kind to each other and that also means not eating unsuspecting paladins. I am entrusting you to share this secret furbolg chocolate truffle recipe with everyone in Azeroth and Outlands. Say to everyone you know that this is an offer of our utmost friendship and trust.
Kernda shares her secret recipe with us
I could feel Gore One-Eye, the furbolg who looks after some of the secrets, ‘eyeing’ us out of the corner of his good eye. He is a furbolg who doesn’t trust anyone and because we are only half furbolg he is still unsure as to whether we are worthy of helping the Timbermaw. We ran up to Gore and gave him a big furry hug and promised him we would do our best to spread the message of goodwill to everyone and with that he put his furry arms around us and squeezled us so much we almost couldn’t breathe!
We group-hug Gore One Eye. How nice!
So here is the recipe from the Timbermaw. May it bring you all good cheer, happiness, and luck during the Winter Veil season and months to come!
Instructions: Eating it sitting down for 10 seconds will add +10 to some stats. Strength, for opening all your lovely presents; Stamina, for lasting the day without falling asleep in a big cosy chair; Agility, for stealing the last roast potato off the table before anyone else; Spirit, ….. your glass of Winter Veil cheer; Intellect, for being able to understand what people are saying after your nth glass of Winter Veil cheer!
TASTY TIMBERMAW TRUFFLES
300g [Broken Dark Chocolate Pieces]
200ml [Double Cream]
75g [Icing Sugar]
50ml [Cider Brandy] or [Calvados Rum]
2 x [Heaped dessertspoons of honey]
Pinch of [Salt]
Sifted [Cocoa Powder]
Put all the ingredients in a heat-proof bowl (if you are a dwarf remember to tuck your beard in your shirt just in case it catches fire). Place the bowl over a pan of just-boiled [Water]. Leave the mixture to melt and stir only once or twice (the temptation to eat the mixture is great at this point). Line a tray 30cm x 30cm x 2cm deep with [Clingfilm], or any other type of tray depending on the thickness you would like.
When the mixture has melted and you have ensured it has blended thoroughly, pour it into the tray. Leave the mixture to cool in a [Fridge or Winterspring/Dun Morogh snow], and let it chill until firm to the touch. Cut the mixture into squares (or Winter Veil shapes if you prefer) and dust them with [Cocoa Powder].
Potential side effects: Swollen tummy and liable to groaning noises when tummy hurts after eating too many.
We baked the truffles and served them on a big plate in the inn in Ironforge. This is a picture of what they looked like when cookied …. um …. cooked ….
Someone ate all the truffles!
Us furbolgs highly recommend eating [Tasty Timbermaw Truffles] with either a hot cup of [Coffee] or a nice glass of [Red Wine].
Hope you enjoy your treats and on behalf of the 'Furbolg Retirement Club'
OOC - A special note: I must thank my IRL furbolg auntie, Rae, for making me some Tasty Timbermaw Truffles and sharing this recipe with me. She gave me some to take back to my cave to eat and now they have all disappeared too!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
We recently moved the 'Furbolg Retirement Club' from The Venture Co. to Moonglade as we heard that the cookies, nuts and fruits were much tastier there. It was a very sad affair as we had to leave Modnahria behind and we knew before leaving we could never return. Also, Modnahria needed to stay to organise our cookie stores and take an invan ... invernt .... make a list of what we had. This was what happened on the journey ....
The sound of weeping grew distant as the boat pulled away further from the shore. We watched in silence as the figure of Modnahria, our High Chief Tummy Rubber, faded slowly into the distance. Arcemedis found that if he squinted his eyes narrowly against the glare of the fading sun, he could still see Modnahria's silhouette alternating between waving goodbye with her old tattered piece of bloody human robe, and wiping her eyes of tears. As The Venture Co. faded, Arcemedis turned to face his tribe of furbolgs. He looked at each of us in turn, fondly, and then took a deep breath as he felt the sadness trying to overwhelm him
Our tribe leader, Arcemedis
"We have to be brave now," he said. "Modnahria will keep the furbolg law alive for us and maybe join us soon, but we have new places to explore and brand new adventures to take part in!"
Arcemedis knew he'd done the right thing as he detected faint smiles and looks of trust on the group of furry faces standing before him. Only my impy, Choham, looked forlorn as he gazed off into the distance.
Choham was already missing Modnahria
"Where are we going again?" I said. "Will there be cookies?" At the mention of cookies, the other furbolgs began to snuffle the deck of the boat for long-lost crumbles, producing specially crafted long straws designed to reach into the smallest of corners. Even the dustiest looking crumbles tasted delicious!
"I am sure I saw Modnahria give Arcemedis a bag of cookies for our long journey", said Begile. At this, Arcemedis grinned as he saw long tendrils of drool hang from his friends' mouths and thought that it was a good thing. "As long as they are not sad anymore", he thought. With that, he produced a big bag of cookies from his backpack and handed them out to us. I saw Choham smile as he politely took the cookie offered to him. I patted him gently and whispered to him that there would be plenty of people in the new land for him to wipe his nose on.
We enjoyed a snoozle on the streets of Stormwind while Choham kept watch
"Where are we heading?" said Vulcor, remembering my previous question. "Moonglade you say?" Due to the mixed sadness and excitement, we hadn't heard half of what Arcemedis had said before we left, so we were still unsure as to what was happening. We had also been distracted by a very tasty looking paladin outside the port who had refused to share his cookies. We had chased him until he'd weed himself into submission and then we used our specially crafted furbolg paladin-armor tin-opener to extract his cookies.
We often enjoyed the juiciness of paladin-meat
Arcemedis explained that we were retiring to Moonglade. He went on to say how Modnahria's big musty books (the ones that make her sneezle if they are too dusty) portray Moonglade as a paradise, where everyone is friendly and cookies grow on trees.
Modnahria and her secret musty cookie crumble book
"This calls for a new engineering invention!" exclaimed Begile. With that, he tottered over to the corner of the ship and produced a scrap of bloody cloth and a dirty toenail that served as a pencil. Soon, he was lost in thoughts of designing a new cookie stealer that could reach even the highest trees in Azeroth and Outlands.
Arcemedis pointed at me, "This also means that a new place means starting afresh, so you and your minions are not allowed to go around randomly licking people Hala!" I pretended I hadn't heard and ran excitedly up to the helm of the boat and pretended to drive it with my clumsy furry paws. As my friends huddled together for warmth on the deck below, and a full moon began to rise in the sky, my gnomish "choo choo!" filled the air from the helm of the boat.
We couldn't take our normal mode of transport because it would've sunk
And so, the brave and adventurous furbolgs eventually fell asleep on the deck of the boat. As the hours passed and furry paws sleepily twitched in anticipation of climbing tall trees for cookies, the sun rose, and the grand empire of Moonglade came into view.
We woke and stood in silent awe, and furry paw clasped furry paw to give courage. And silently, and with quiet excitement, we stepped off the boat and into the new world, all hoping to bring peace and to make new friends, as only furbolgs could.
One of our younger members, Madnohria, displaying our new tabard. She holds the spirit of Modnahria
Madnohria visited Frasaboo who welcomed us with open paws
It wasn't long before other furry friends began to join the tribe after they had heard how wonderful Moonglade was. And now, the 'Furbolg Retirement Club' wanders in peace around Azeroth and Outlands looking for cookies and friends (not necessarily in that order).
Thoughts of our old home are still with us
Maybe I'll find Puppy on Moonglade too .... who knows?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I bought the biggest ice cream in Dun Morogh for a few silver and coppers because I'm a greedy gnome.
I couldn't move after I ate it so I figured it would be a good idea to be pulled around by my friends on a giant go-kart. I thought this would be a good addition to my friends daily work-out, plus we could experiment on the effects of eating ice cream, exercising, and sight seeing. It wasn't by a beach, but *sigh* snow is better than nothing (and the beach at Stranglethorn isn't that far away).
Unfortunately one of my friends got bored and buggered off. The other sat there and refused to move. Oh well, maybe the experiment didn't work as planned .... I can't say I blame them, it was the go-kart that was quite heavy.
I maybe try cookies next time *secretly plots*
Friday, August 31, 2007
Obviously I don't use this for raids, only for cookie stealing.
The top picture contains picture of cookies whilst reminding me of my very important motto.
The bottom half gives me lots of important information. The green/blue circle is a radar that shows where the cookies are, plus other locations such as the whereabouts of other furbolgs. I has an altitude dial to enable me to fly below the pesky human radar so I can swoop in and steal cookies quick and easy. The 'Fuel' section allows me to see when I am running low on cookies. The 'Mags' section holds my selection of magazines that I can read while waiting for an unsuspecting victim. I like to read 'Cookie Monthly', and gnome fashion magazines. I also used to read 'Curse Monthly' to help me swear properly but it got too expensive. I just learn from Arcamedis now. Someone stole my copy of 'Hot Boy Gnomes' - I suspect it was Modnahria but I don't like to ask. I also have a well-thumbed copy of 'How to be a Good Gnome' but I don't understand much of it. The 'RPM' section stands for 'Rawrs per minute'. This is important because it tells me when to increase my rawr-age to make my victim poo/wee him/herself into submission. The 'Compass' section tells me whereabouts I am - it only has three spaces for numbers as I can't count past 108. I'm not sure why.
I think the rest is pretty much self-explanatory.
And no, you can't have one like mine.
Friday, July 13, 2007
WHERE’S PUPPY – PART 3
My favourite flirtation line I think. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, my name’s Rawrawr, and I'm a proud member of the Blackadders guild on Hellscream. I’m also Auntie Hala’s niece. Level 64 years old now and counting but hey, I’ve still retained my youth *cough*unlikegnomes*cough*. I have some habits/traits befitting a blood elf, gnome, and furbolg. Don’t ask about the family history and why Auntie Hala and I are related – it’s boring. First there are the blood elf traits – I’m rude, I flirt (far too much), I say what I think and am therefore tactless but I have a kind heart. Then the gnomish traits – I’m rude, I flirt (far too much), I say what I … oh wait … hrhr. And the furbolg traits? Well, we all know those. Although I can’t get my furbolg disguise being a horde, I can still RAWR! like em.
This is me. Aren’t I pretty? Oh, you think so? You wanna see my mana tap … ?
Auntie Hala called me the other day upset because she still couldn’t find her short ass friend Puppy Poo. Jeez, you’d think she’d lost her underwear or something the way she was snivelling. But poor Auntie Hala wanted me to look in the horde areas of Outlands and Azeroth to see if I could find him there. She already had other Alliance friends working on it and her numerous furbolg friends who I’d never met and was never likely to, sadly. I was hoping there wouldn’t be any dinosaurs like Schwick – he chased me and my friend Abrams a few times around Un’Goro and fortunately we managed to stop him when we stuck chewing gum under his foot. That certainly stopped him in his tracks. Abrams is an undead but I’m sure I still saw flesh falling off his bones he was running that quick. At least he can’t poo himself being undead. At least I think so.
My friend Abrams, he’s seen my mana tap loads of times.
So I figured the best place to start was Undercity. Not the most awesome of places – no hot guys there. Let me just tell you my three favourite things in the whole wide world – cute boys, shopping, and cookies. I’m always on the look out – it’s healthy for a girl of my demeanor. So I wandered round Undercity. The stink is awful! The authorities really should do something about the smell coming from the river. It’s GREEEEN!! It’s disgusting. And all those troll bars? Not attractive places at all. I mean, I know a few really nice trolls but bones in their noses? Uh uh, no way.
Not a hot guy
My new boots were killing me as I wandered around and I kept getting my heel caught in the pavement cracks (another one for the complaint list) when suddenly I ran into this big ‘thing’. It’s stomach was wide open and I could see body parts which I suspect were from Alliance who had lost their way. Gross! It was burbling and muttering incoherently and I couldn’t understand a word it was saying. Drool was hanging from its bottom lip and, dare I say it, I saw poo stains on it’s legs. Much worse than seeing Auntie Hala standing near a cookie jar but that’s a story for another day. I was so disappointed – no hot guys and no decent shops in Undercity. I really fancied a new hat.
I figured I might go visit the furbolgs in Azshara. They always have nice cookies and they’re always pleased to see me. They’re not hot but they’re cute and cuddly.
Me and Gatekeeper Rageroar a couple of months ago – he’s so lovely and tells me nice stories
I chatted to the furbolgs for a while and they told me about all the mean people who come up to Azshara to kill them for their skins. I was very sad for them but cheered up a bit when they said they were like us, they could rez at the nearest graveyard and carry on about their business. They said they often saw Auntie Hala riding around collecting herbs and sometimes she stopped and had coffee and cookies with them. I’m not sure if I could ever see a furbolg as ‘hot’ but they are certainly good for furry cuddles.
Before leaving Azshara I went to visit the Midsummer Festival to let my hair down a bit. They had a maypole and I danced around but I was all on my own. No cookies, no shops, no boys. Poo. Oh well.
Dancing round the maypole – good fun, but no boys
I thought well, I’ve visited Undercity, I may as well go visit Orgrimmar and see what they have there. I always get lost in Orgrimmar. It’s very dusty and doesn’t do anything for my hair. It kinda goes all dull, not to mention what it does to my nice clothes. There were some nice shops there but they didn’t sell hats, well, none that I liked anyway. I bought myself an ice-cream and wandered about hoping to spot some hot boys and found myself in this huge hallway with lots of orcs in it. As I wandered to the back of the room, there was a giant orc sat on a massive chair and he looked very busy. I suddenly realised it was Thrall. I’d heard he was quite cute but boy was he tasty!
I meet Thrall
He was on his knees and he didn’t look well at all. I offered to show him my mana tap but he said to come back another time. Ho hum. I asked if I could have a go at sitting on his chair and he said yes. So I sat on his chair and boy was it hard and cold. I told him he needed to buy some cushions otherwise he’d get piles, well at least that’s what Auntie Hala says. He said he didn’t know of any good hat shops but he’d show me his selection of swords if I waited around for a while. He also suggested I buy some proper pants to wear as, judging by the photo (taken by his orc servant) it looks like I’m not wearing any. Oops. So now I needed a new hat AND pants.
Oh dear – I hope I don’t get piles too
I figured I’d have more fun in Outlands so I wandered around there for a while. I figured there might be hats and pants in Zangarmarsh as I heard Cenarion Refuge has nice stuff. So I trotted off there and would you believe it? Some fat ass Fel Reaver was stood in my way so I couldn’t pass. I didn’t want him to pat me on the head like he had done previously. Strength is an attractive feature in men (I presume the reavers are men) but too much is just icky. Anyway, he was so tall he couldn’t hear me shouting at him to move. Now I know how Auntie Hala feels being so small.
These fel reavers are a bit dumb
I sighed. Where were all the godamn shops! I trotted back towards Thrallmar and bumped into this cute little doggy who wanted me to follow him. He was soooo sweet! I gave him some of my cookie crumbles and he wagged his little tail and said he wanted to be my guardian. Anyway, my new friend wanted me to follow him as he needed some help. How could I resist such a cute little face? We wandered up towards the Mag’har Post and I stopped on the way to admire the Mag’har Grunts. Such fabulous muscles! But how do you kiss an orc with those teeth? Would it make me dribble? What if they have bits of food stuck there? One of the Grunts nearby got down on his knees and bowed to me. How lovely! I asked him if he wanted to see my mana tap but he said he had to keep watch for intruders and he’d be in deep trouble if he was caught flirting. I figured that was fair enough but I took his number for later.
An orc grunts kneels before me. How nice!
I followed my new doggy friend further up the hill and he took me to Gorkan Bloodfist. Another hot guy! I never realised that so many tasty chocolates could be in one big box! But back to reality. He was upset and I hate it when guys get upset. It’s so sad. He said his friends were ill and that he needed help restoring their health and would I help? Not one wanting to see a grown man cry, I readily agreed and when he turned his back to look for the health potions, I secretly licked his muscly arms. Yum yum. I also secretly slipped my contact details into the hem of his pants. Auntie Hala would be so proud!
Gorkan – I admired his arms
So I healed a few of Gorkan’s friends and boy, were they happy! They’re in my debt … hmmm …
Can’t see his butt from where I’m standing
It was by this time that I realised there weren’t any shops around here but Gorkan gave me some cookies for helping out. He said I needed to go to Stonebreaker Hold in Terrokar to let some apothecary guy know his health potion had worked. He paid for my flight which was kind and as I flew away I saw him scratching his bottom. He reached inside the back of his pants and saw what had been making his bottom itch – my scrap of parchment with my name and contact details on it. I hope he calls!
So I went to Terrokar to see this apothecary dude. I shuddered as I saw his rug on the floor but he assured me it was fake and not a furbolg. He said,
“But we have returned, spirit! We have returned to honor you again. Favor us with your presence once more.”
I am honoured … not
I thought that was very kind of him to honor me and was about to offer to show him my mana tap but then realised he was talking about my doggy friend. Humph. Oh well never mind. I gave my doggy some more crumbles and he said he had to go to help out some other people. I gave him a hug and rubbed his chest and he liked it so much he let me rub his tummy. How cute!
Anyway, I said to this dude that all I wanted was a new hat, and pants if possible. I was at my wits end. My head was cold and my lack of a decent pair of pants suggested I was a blood elf with no class whatsoever. He said I should go see Rema in Blade’s Edge. She’s a huge wolf who lives in a cave just at the entrance but that I’d have to fight my way through lots of spiders to get there. I HATE spiders. Nasty creepy crawly things. I managed it though. A few frostbolts and frost novas later, I was standing next to Rema. I gave her some cookies and asked her if she had a new hat I could have.
Rema said she’d made one earlier. She got bored in the cave all day unless some unsuspecting Alliance came past and she could eat them. I shuddered when I thought of Auntie Hala but Rema said not to worry and that Auntie Hala had brought her cookies too. Rema gave me my new hat and I loved it! It looks so cute! Makes me look foxeh. She also looked at my poor bare legs and took pity on me, and made me a new pair of pants while I waited. To show how grateful I was I … no I didn’t offer to show her my mana tap … I painted her nails a nice black color – it’s the latest undead fashion. Very gothic. She was very pleased with the look and said I could drop by anytime to say ‘hello’ and share cookies.
Rema’s new nail polish. My new hat and pants.
I decided to do a bit of questing before I headed home for a TV dinner in bed. I really fancied Pizza while watching Gnome Alone 16. I imagined it would be rubbish but I could always play a bit of The Sims if I fancied. I went off to Zangarmarsh (the fat ass fel reaver had moved by then) to see what I could find. I bought some Sporeling Snacks for my cute little doggy friend should I ever see him again and I went off over the bridge to kill some ogres. Then at least I could say I’d worked kinda hard today. The first ogre I bumped into was so terrified of my mask he died without me doing anything! Yay! My new hat rocks! Look how scared he is!
Haha. Look how scared the ogre is!
After scaring a few more ogres with my new hat, I went back to Thrallmar to sort out the crap in my handbags. As I was rummaging around for my hairspray, I heard one of the orcs shouting something about girl gnomes with pigtails being forced to work. I thought again about poor Auntie Hala and prayed that she would never find her way into Thrallmar.
Forced gnome labor should be stopped!
I doubt the people here would be very understanding despite the fact she’s my auntie. Auntie Hala is quite lazy anyway, she’s always sleeping on the job. Bit freaky too because sometimes she levitates but I suspect that’s a constant stream of bottom wind that’s making her float.
Auntie Hala sleeping on the job
I trotted into the centre of Thrallmar to hand in some quests and stuff and suddenly he was there before me. The love of my life. I’d never noticed him before but he was wearing the same hat as me and he was holding a MASSIVE chopper!! Perhaps that’s a sign!?! I wandered over and stood next to him and I was so nervous I couldn’t speak. Auntie Hala would approve although she’d be too small to see past his manly bottom. He looked down at me fondly and told me his name was Nazgrel, and said I had some very important missions to do on behalf of the horde and did I have time to help. Jeez of course I have time! My legs went a bit wobbly as I gazed into his eyes and I almost fell backwards. Unlike Auntie Hala, I don’t poo or wee myself when nervous or excited.
Me and Nazgrel sitting in a tree …
I figured I’d do one mission at least, before I went to bed so I decided that in order to go out with a bang for the day, I’d do the bombing quest. There’s nothing more satisfying than throwing lumps of windrider poo from a great height on nasty monsters. So before boarding said beast, I thought I’d look in the local shop to see if there were any toffees for sale. As soon as I approached the vendor I noticed a skull floating in the air above the counter and it was talking incessantly!
Poor thing must have jaw ache from all that constant yakking. As I drew closer, I realised it was Auntie Hala using some weird form of furbolg magic! She must’ve got her friend Modnahria to do that. She was shouting at me for shopping and not looking for Puppy as I’d promised. Oh shit. I’d completely forgotten. I tried to say sorry but the constant nagging was hurting my ears.
“You said you’d look for Puppy nagnagnag in Outlands nagnagnag but all you do is shop nagnagnag and look at boys nagnagnag and show them your mana tap nagnagnag.”
Finally! She stopped talking for what seemed like an eternity. I promised I’d go look in the library in the Scryer’s Inn to see if I could find some old furbolg writings and I promised never to shop or look at boys again (except Nazgrel, and maybe the orc at Maghar whose name I forget now. Oh, and Thrall). She seemed happy with that and said that Modnahria had magicked me a friend who would help me learn to read properly before I could find anything.
“You should’nt have skipped school nagnagnag. All you did was look at boys nagnagnag and go to the local shops nagnagnag and hang out with the boy blood elves nagnagnag, instead of reading nagnagnag”
Musty books give me and the Yeti sneezles
As I made my weary way back to Shattrath, I wondered who could be waiting for me. In the Inn I found the cutest little yeti! He grunted and said he normally hung out with Auntie Hala but that she’d sent him to me as a guardian. Another guardian! How cute! I gave him some cookies (he said Auntie Hala had taught him how to steal them too) and rubbed his tummy before we turned to look at the musty old books in the Scryer’s library. Now what was I supposed to be doing again … ?
Friday, June 29, 2007
I decided to display the picture of Myrtle and myself half naked and fighting Jeklik. We were very brave as she wasn't pleased to see us at all. In fact, I reckon she was a bit jealous as our underwear is clearly superior to hers. She's so rude!
Jeklik made us soil our pants eventually because she was so scary, but this was a good excuse to buy even nicer ones.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Earth Wind & Firewater heard that Maulgar kept a stash of special secret cheese. Apparently, it was quite rare and extremely smelly (it's so hot in Gruul's Lair!). Anyway, we wanted to see if the rumours were true, so we went to visit him and his mates with cookies to share. They were all being very mean not sharing their cheese, even when we offered our cookies in return so we pwned their asses instead.
Kryptman was so enamoured with the cheese that he couldn't tear himself away from looking at it, which meant he had his back to the picture box.