THREE NAUGHTY GNOMES DISCOVER CHRISTMAS CRACKERS AND THE SECRET TO KISSING BOY GNOMES

It was nearly Christmas time in Azeroth and the season to be nice to everyone, even dwarves. Great Father Winter was seated outside the bank (personally I think begging for money outside the bank is tacky but hey). His goblin helpers were in abundance and selling all sorts of exciting things like cookie recipes and special alcoholic brews!

Us ‘ladies’ (me, Adre, and Myrtle) had decided to celebrate Christmas in style by drinking lots of Dwarven Ale (jeez what’s new?) and looking for boy gnomes. Between us we know some pretty hot boys, especially gnomes like Puppy, Lirn, and Vintaro. We’d not had a lot of experience with boys although we’d managed to pack in a few hot first dates between us over the last week. Deep down we were quite ignorant as to what happened after holding hands and swapping cookies but we did know that clean underwear was important (although we weren’t sure why). We get upset and scared a lot during raids so you can imagine our underwear cleaning bills are quite high.

Adre, Myrtle, and me with Fernando

On this particular night, after getting blisters from scrubbing our grubby underwear, we ventured outside Ironforge to look for boy gnomes. It was a frosty clear evening with sparkly stars in the sky and we were feeling all gooey and romantic. We dressed our mounts up in their reindeer outfits and posed for a nice photo. Fernando, my felguard, put bits of tinsel on the toes of his boots and pretended to be one of Santa’s elves.

We could tell Myrtle already felt frisky because she kept rearing her mount and fidgeting in her saddle. I knew that this was a sign that she was excited and would probably be up to no good in a short space of time. Adre and I watched Myrtle struggling to stay in her saddle while her mount was rearing as we were sure she’d fall off. She was pretending to be a cowboy on a bucking bronco, and shouting “Yee haw!” after having too much alcohol. Oh dear.

Myrtle getting excited



Myrtle's glint in her good eye

Myrtle eventually got tired of her Christmas Gnome outfit and put her armour back on. I could tell by the glint in her good eye (she wears a Chief Architect’s Monocle after I accidentally poked her eye out with my wand) that she was planning on doing something to Adre so I kept my eye on her. She’s such a naughty but very funny gnome! Unfortunately for me and Adre it was too late. Before Adre knew what was happening, Myrtle had pushed Adre down the snowy slope down into Dun Morogh. Poor Adre!

Myrtle pushes Adre down the cliff


As I ran to the edge to check if Adre was OK, Myrtle pushed me off the slope too. As I bounced off the rocks on my poor sore bottom, I could hear Myrtle cackling maniacally, and I wondered if poor Adre’s bottom would be as sore as mine.

We ran back up the hill and I asked Adre if she had a sore bottom, as I’d heard rumours that there are certain dwarves that provide massage services to girl gnomes. I’d got the number from inside a telephone box and there was also a picture of a half-naked dwarf on it but I wasn’t sure why. Adre said she was fine – she’d put a cushion in her pants before she came out as she’d got a bit saddle sore the previous day from riding around looking for herbs.

Adre and I look for Myrtle down the cliff


After chatting we discovered that Myrtle had thrown herself down the cliff as well. “Are you OK Myrtle?” we shouted. We could hear a grunting and rustling sound and a faint glimpse of movement down below. Then we saw a glint of something and realised that it was the light bouncing off Myrtle’s monocle. “I thought I saw gnome boys down here,” shouted Myrtle, “but on closer inspection they’re actually tree stumps”.

It was at that point that Myrtle started shouting in a really loud voice and advertising to everyone in the Ironforge vicinity. She was shouting, “Halaleset will show anyone her cracker for 20 coppers!”. I wasn’t sure what this meant and thought it was some kind of bidding competition so I shouted back, “Myrtle will show anyone her cracker for free!” After Myrtle puffed and panted her way back up the hill she said she’d met a boy gnome who wanted to put his cracker in her mince pie. “I like mince pies,” said Myrtle, “so I think I might take him up on the offer”. And that was the last we saw of her! Adre and I wondered what ‘cracker’ and ‘mince pie’ meant but we came to the conclusion that it was some kind of Christmas celebration.

It was getting a bit cold outside so Adre and I went inside where it was warm and trotted over to Great Father Winter and his goblins. We were still looking for boy gnomes though and we advertised this fact by shouting to everyone in Ironforge who would listen. By this time we’d had a lot more alcohol and things were getting a bit blurry and our speech was starting to go a bit pear-shaped. I said to Adre, well, you can see what I said to Adre below (I’m so ashamed)


Oh dear


I turned around slowly and Great Father Winter was looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I was so ashamed I hid behind Adre while she giggled like a naughty gnome. Peeking over Adre’s shoulder I saw that Great Father Winter had turned his attention to another young gnome so I figured maybe he hadn’t heard. So we had some more booze whilst creeping away slowly from him. While passing the postbox Adre and I quickly wrote Mr Blizz a letter saying that my swearing at Great Father Winter was an accident and that I was very sorry.


Adre's new gnome friend - look at that toffee encrusted beard!


Adre then spotted a boy gnome just standing by the goblins and looking a bit forlorn and Adre thought he looked a bit cute. “I like beards,” she said. “I heard that if you kiss a boy gnome, you can secretly pick the bits of old toffee out of their beards without them noticing.” “Really?” I said. “Yes, I think I might see if that’s true,” said Adre, and off she toddled towards the forlorn looking boy gnome. I watched Adre talking to him whilst trying not to drool over his beard. The forlorn gnome suddenly looked forlorn no longer and off the two went into a dark corner of Ironforge. As they walked away, Adre secretly turned to me, winked, and gave me the thumbs up. Lucky Adre!!

So I wondered how I was going to find a boy gnome. I figured there must be one somewhere and then I turned around and there was a quite handsome dwarf standing behind me and he had a beard too!! He introduced himself as Gonthar and he kept buying me lots more drinks and saying how pretty I looked. How kind! He told me that he would like to take me out sometime and chat and with that, I wondered whether I would get past the ‘holding hands and swapping cookies’ stage. Thank goodness for clean underwear!


I introduce Adre to Gonthar


So Gonthar and I chatted for a good half hour and he was a very interesting dwarf. Soon after, Adre returned, having discarded her gnome disguise as she had a night elf knitting class to attend. I whispered to her if the rumours about beard toffee and kissing were true and she grinned the biggest grin I have ever seen! I peered more closely and saw bits of toffee stuck her teeth and she very kindly offered me some, which I ate with a smile on my face. How generous! She raised her eyebrows at me and then tilted her head towards Gonthar and made ‘beard stroking’ movements with her hand. With that, I immediately accepted Gonthar’s offer of a date the following evening. Hurray!

There is a second happy ending to this story. I got a reply to the letter we wrote to Mr Blizz. I’ve shown it below as it made us really happy.


My nice letter from Mr Blizz


I wonder if Mr Blizz has a beard ……