VASYOR GETS A SURPRISE

Vasyor and Me

Looking at Vasyor and me you'd think we make a perfect furbolg couple. On a day that I had gone home after a hard day's slaughtering I found a perfectly wrapped present on my doorstep, while Vasyor was sitting in the Ironforge inn and singing very rude songs and performing his striptease to the night elves. The present I found was very glittery and shiny and had a big label attached to the red ribbon that said, 'For Hala and Vasyor, handle with care'. Without waiting for Vasyor, I immediately ripped off the glittery wrapping, opened the box lid and out jumped an imp! As soon as the imp saw me he started shouting cheeky comments to her ("You smell like poop!") and pretended to throw fireballs at me, but once he saw I had cookies he calmed down. While he was eating those, I wondered who on earth had sent me such a strange creature? I'd heard old furbolg wives tales about the rarity of baby furbolgs, and about how they suddenly appeared on doorsteps or under bushes and assumed that in this instance, I was now the mother of a very strange but handsome looking furbolg indeed. I was meeting Vasyor soon so maybe he'd know something about the imp. As I was preparing to go out, so did the imp, who was suddenly sitting in the head of a goblin reaper. 'Strange', I thought, 'that such a strange creature could be ours.'


Me and Impy (he's wearing his fancy dress)

Vasyor phoned me to say that he'd earned enough cash from that night's striptease for us both to find a bigger new nest with an en-suite bathroom, and dancing pole for Vasyor to practice his entertainment skills. He also told me he was on his way to Arathi, so I headed there also, to meet Vasyor and their friends who were joining in the fight against the evil Horde. On the way there I started to think about what I was going to say to Vasyor about the imp. Would we still be able to afford our nice new nest? I hoped everything would be OK. Once we got there, I sought out my friends and very soon the battle moved from the bridge to beyond, far over into the Horde territory. There were still a few dying Horde bodies scattered on the bridge and we searched the pockets for cookies but to no avail. The Horde had scoffed them all. As punishment for being cookie-less, we ate the remaining Horde who were still alive but injured (and there were a few dozen of them as well).


We've barbequed and eaten the remains - look at all those bones we've gnawed!

All the bones had been picked clean. We also did a magic fire thing with our paws so we could barbeque some of the limbs. I secretly gave our imp some of the Horde eyeballs although I had to burst them first between my teeth so they were easier for him to digest. Next we found a nice place to sit and chit chat. I was having trouble jumping on the bridge post - I just couldn't get the height to jump (and I even tried to jump up in gnome form using my felsteed, Felicia). Vasyor was attempting to show me how it was done but we'd both eaten too many Horde to be successful first time. 'We've gone a bit fat', I said to which Vasyor sadly replied, 'It's my butt isn't it?'.


Vasyor jumped on to the post but he fell off

Eventually we managed to climb on top of the post, both in ournatural furbolg state and it was there that I just decided to tell Vasyor everything that had happened while he was working. Vasyor grinned at me and told me how he'd gone to see the old furbolg wives and ordered a baby from the rare baby furbolg catalogue as a surprise for me. He'd earned a bit extra one night with a particularly rowdy crowd of night elves. He was a very happy furbolg daddy. Then, a look appeared on his face as he noticed the imp's ears - a far off philosophical distant look mixed with curiosity, sadness, and a tinge of anger (an extremely rare expression only to be found on furbolgs). Looking at its ears, how could the imp be his? 'It's Nirr's', he said. 'You're more than friends with that night elf', said Vasyor sadly, turning to face the long drop to the ground below. I stamped my big furry paws, kneeled in front of Vasyor and declared, 'But it's you I love!' Secretly we were wondering whether his order had been mixed up.


I declared my love to Vasyor

'Noooooooooooo!' I shouted. 'Stop! The baby furbolg is yours!' But it was too late. Vasyor had jumped. I tentatively walked over to the edge, bracing myself for the tragic death scene that was I was about to face. My lover, dead. But I was shocked by what I saw when I looked over the edge. Vasyor had jumped to scare me, and he'd also survived. 'He's lucky he ate far more Horde than usual', I thought. 'At least his ballooning belly stopped him from hurting himself, although he could've gone 'splat'.'


I noticed Vasyor was overacting

I watched Vasyor come puffing and panting back up to the bridge with a smug look on his face. Although I was elated that Vasyor had survived I was still cross he'd accused me of cheating on him with a purple-haired night elf. At that point I ran behind one of the posts to hide as Vasyor passed me. I watched him check his furbolg pockets and change into human form which mean't that he was going off to the Ironforge Inn again to drink away his sorrows. 'I'll make him feel better about himself tomorrow', I thought as I changed into gnome form, and charged towards Vasyor, pushing him off the bridge and into the depths below, and watching him bounce on his belly.


I pushed Vasyor off the bridge - SPLAT!

There is a happy ending to this story. There had indeed been a mix-up in baby orders. We were reunited with our baby furbolg that had accidentally been sent to my minion, Smurfy, whilst she was on holiday in Gadgetzan. A very puzzled Smurfy had grunted down the phone about the strange event to his me. Eventually we decided we would adopt the imp as his stamina skills would come in useful during some battles and he also had a fire shield. They decided to call the imp Choham (although after today's events I was sure I'd been given another imp when I was a Level 6 in Dun Morogh).

A very puzzled Smurfy with baby furbolg

HALALESET AND VASYOR GO TO THE BALL

I was wandering through Ironforge the other day feeling a bit glum. Although I was having lots of fun with my Haven friends I really missed having a boy to admire and look at and give nice things to. I'd had a chance encounter with a new Haven gnome called Vintaro and we'd gone to Arathi Highlands together and on a remote mountainside, he'd shown me his hairy legs. I hadn't seen Vintaro for a long time though as he'd had to go on a adventure on his own. Considering I hadn't seen him for a few weeks I presumed he'd found a cookie mine and was now fatter than a hamster's cheeks just before winter kicks in.


Me and Vintaro in Arathi Highlands

My next encounter in love was with Puppy. Although I loved and still do love him very much I know that I'm not the right gnome for him which is very sad. Puppy makes me laugh until I wee myself and he's one of my loveliest friends and he's my favourite person to do the /choo choo with.


Me, Puppy, and Modnahria in Eastern Plaguelands

So, as I was walking around Ironforge I thought I'd check my post to see if I'd sold any of the tat I'd picked up looting. I perked up a little bit when I noticed I had a letter from Vasyor. He usually sends me mana potions so, imagine my surprise when I read the letter. Vasyor's guild, The Illuminati, were holding a ball in Stormwind and Vasyor wanted to take me as his date. Vasyor and I have a bit of a past as well since we had our argument in Alterac Valley and I'd pushed him off the Alterac Valley bridge (post to be added after this one). The letter made me very excited and I immediately replied to say that I'd love to go the ball with him. How exciting!

Me glumly checking my post

I told my Haven friends the good news and they helped me decide what to wear. In the end I decided to buy a Festival Dress in red and yellow. It cost me a fortune but I knew it would be worth the gold.

On the evening of the ball, I spent so long getting ready I was ten minutes late but then I've heard other gnomes say that it's good to be fashionably late so I spent a bit of extra time deciding what perfume to wear. I decided against the Eau de Chat-Pisse that myself, Tia, and Modnahria wore when we went to get dates with trolls in Undercity (see post below). Instead I chose an old gnome perfume, the recipe of which is lost now so it's very expensive. I dabbed some behind my ears and then asked The Great Boar of Love to wish me luck.

My imp minion, Choham, said I smelled of poop, but I dismissed him before he could say anything else. Cheeky imp.

Choosing perfume with The Great Boar of Love

So I trotted off to the tram and made my way to Stormwind and I was very nervous. Vasyor was waiting for me and he looked very handsome in his tuxedo suit. He was very much a gentleman and bowed before me, and I curtsied before him. I'd never realised that human's scrubbed up so well (and I noticed he'd washed behind his ears as well). It's a good job he has lots of hair as well because if he'd been bald I would've slyly licked his head and left a trail of spit.

Vasyor bows

After bowing, Vasyor presented me with the most beautiful red rose I've ever seen and told me how beautiful I looked in my nice dress. It reminded me of when I broke poor Puppy's heart when he gave me a red rose and I tried to eat it. Poor Puppy. Pushing aside sad thoughts I thanked Vasyor and off we went to the ball.


My beautiful red rose

As we entered the hall I noticed lots of people had arrived already and were dancing and drinking lots of beer and wine. I made a mental note to myself to be careful when drinking otherwise I'd wee myself and be sick at the same time. I had to remember to act like a lady. I shuddered as I thought of the amount of booze I'd had at the fair with my friends Arcamedis, Arewn, Tia, Celimka, and Delenadra the week before. I could hardly see a thing but I remember seeing a huge ogre wearing a loincloth and peeking underneath it. Fortunately, I can't remember what I saw from the experience.

Entering the ball

As I entered the ball I saw my good friend Silvanius. I'd always admired his lovely green hair. As I hadn't seen him for ages I'd forgotten how tall he was, however I felt very proud to be Vasyor's date as he was still the handsomest human I'd seen so far (sorry Silv). Silvanius and Vasyor gave me some Pinot Noir and I regulated myself to one bottle per half hour.

Silvanius, me, and Vasyor

While this was all happening, I had a whisper from my friend Kirobaldy. He was at the ball as well having gatecrashed when he'd heard what was happening. I noticed his yells every so often asking where the beer was. And he's only level 20!!

In the photo you can see an imp but he's not my minion. I left him at home as I knew he'd insult everyone if he came along. Besides, he still had some of the housework to do and wasn't allowed cookies until he'd finished.

Meeting Kirobaldy at the ball

We found a nice place to sit and Vasyor and Silvanius gave me a deviate fish. I'd never tried one before and it tasted lovely. However to my surprise it temporarily changed me into a human!! Crikey!! I've never had long legs before so I made the most of it and danced a bit and resisted the temptation to /choo choo.

We're deviates!

Next, we all had to line up in a long row. I wasn't quite sure why but I joined in anyway. I was wondering whether it might be some kind of new line dancing thing however I soon realised it was because we had to introduce ourselves to the guild leaders. Again, being a bit nervous I brought out my Worg Pup as it's always therapeutic to have pets around when we're stressed and he'd never been to a ball before either.

Lining up

Bowing before Grummberg

As I walked back to our table I turned around to wait for Vasyor. As I watched him bow I noticed the muscles in his legs ripple. How amazing and I checked my chin quickly for any signs of drool.

Watching Vasyor's thighs

After the formalities were over there was a bit of entertainment from the other guildies. There were dancing cats and dancing bears and even though they didn't quite dance together in time they were still really entertaining, especially when they started singing. Have you ever heard a bear sing? Neither have I. It's a kind of cross between roaring, grumbling, and listening to seals.

The dancing and singing bears

After that Vasyor invited me to dance with him and we grooved to some 70s disco and then some Michael Jackson. I was very impressed when I noticed that Vasyor knew all Michael Jackson's dance moves. I was very careful to try and look cute and sexy and in my new dress. Fortunately, the dress has a secret pocket and I'd put some Worg biscuits in there so my Worg Puppy wouldn't go hungry and wouldn't be bored.

Dancing with Vasyor

To my amazement there was a horde at the ball. Although he was only around level 25 I was immediately on stand-by and thought that perhaps he was a seed planted by another horde guild who were planning to kill everyone at the ball. With this thought in my head I immediately summoned smurfy who shot off to despatch the horde undead.

Scout Amonsul attends the ball

It was fortunate for us that smurfy didn't kill the horde as it turned out that Amonsul (the undead horde) was in fact a friend of The Illuminati guild and was attending the ball as their guest. Just as I realised this, someone else killed the poor horde player and I felt very sad. So I went to sit next to his corpse to look after him until he'd resurrected. It was also around this time that my Haven friends Arewn and Tia arrived with dates. It was lovely to see them and Vasyor came to help me sit with the horde's corpse as well as other guild members, and my friend Arewn. Meanwhile Tia found a table and danced beautifully for the ball attendees.

Poor Amonsul

Soon it was time for Vasyor and I to leave. Vasyor was tired as he'd been fighting all day and before he left, he showed me his armour. He looked very handsome and strong. Before he left he bowed before me again and gave me a nice kiss.

Vasyor wearing his armour

I tripped home quite gaily and as I snuggled up in bed, slightly drunk, but still feeling like a lady, I thought about how I'd felt like a princess this evening. I'd maintained my composure for two hours and had managed not to burp, fart, or give anyone a wedgie, and I'd still managed to drink five bottles of wine. Yay me! As I drifted into sleep I wondered whether I'd hear from Vasyor again ....

Next post coming soon - Vasyor and Hala's Secret Love Child

THREE GO TO UNDERCITY


The adventure begins

One night after a long day's struggle with questing, me (and Smurfy), Tialana, and Modnahria still had enough energy to get ourselves into mischief. Modnahria suggested going to the Horde city of Undercity and looking for boys to flirt and giggle with. She'd seen some trolls over in that neck of the woods who weren't that bad looking - maybe we would get a few cheap dates. Our eyes widened at the thought and we declared that this was an excellent idea and immediately started spraying ourselves themselves with 'Eau de Chat-Pisse' so the Horde wouldn't recognise us as Alliance. We would also still smell gorgeous for the hunky trolls we were sure to meet. Smurfy grunted and offered to be our bodyguard.


A hunky troll - hot stuff

As we were riding through Alterac Valley we exclaimed how lovely the countryside was while Smurfy grunted occasionally and pointed at small bugs. Aside from the spiders, we agreed that this was a pleasant area and, secretly being furbolgs, we felt an affiliation for the bears. We stopped to say 'rawr' (and grunt) to the people at Dalaran and Modnahria told Tia and me the story behind the great purple orb and how nobody really knew what was in it. We thought that maybe there might be sweets, shiny things, magic things, and especially magic cookies.


Venturing into the Undercity sewers

Once we'd swum across Lordamere Lake, we progressed through to the outskirts of Undercity where everything was quiet and not a Horde was to be seen. Modnahria knew of a secret entrance into Undercity which involved going through the sewers. We ran around the edge of the wall so as not to get nasty stuff on our nice clothes although the smell wasn't too bad once we'd got used to it. Once inside Undercity we literally bounced off a couple of Undercity guardians. Big huge ugly blokes with their tummies ripped open ('too many cookies', we thought almost psychically and we made a mental note to be watchful of our own tummies exploding for the same reason). The Undercity guardians were a bit too big and cumbersome to deal any great damage to the us adventurers and it wasn't long before Mod, Tia, and me had whooped about six gynormous sweaty guardian asses, and stolen their cookie supplies. Smurfy tooked cookies in her pockets too as they helped her concentrate when grunting.

Whooping some Undercity fat ass

As we wound our way around the city, we were suddenly aware that the local defense had transmitted an alert as to our presence. Expecting lots of handsome Horde to be upon us in a moment, we just carried on as our beautiful selves, however it wasn't long before the we'd had our own asses whooped and were soon in the spirit realm and transported back to the graveyard. Undeterred, we refused to give up on our search for a date, especially since the Eau de Chat-Pisse still worked when we were dead, and we made their way back to our bodies in Undercity. On the way there, we found a throne room and we each took a turn having a go sitting on the throne. Being princesses anyway, we felt very comfortable but you could tell that we secretly thought that the seat actually felt a bit cold and hard, but we didn't like to admit it. So we each took turns sitting and looking at our friends and grinning big cheesy grins and pretending to give orders to people (who weren't really there).

Us in spirit form - Modnahria sitting on the throne (while me and Tia wait our turns to have a go)

Off we went again down underground to regain our earthly forms and seek out hot dates. Unfortunately for us, all we found was a couple of vendors selling rubbish souvenirs however we bought ice-creams and 'Lick Me Quick' hats (a particularly favourite habit of us gnomes where bald heads are concerned). I bought a hat for Smurfy which said 'Grunt if you're a voidwalker' and then we went home back to Ironforge. We vowed to return to Undercity again one day and practice our flirting skills on trolls.

MYRTLE, ME, AND HIGH PRIESTESS POOEY-PANTS

Back when I was at the tender level of 18 and a new Haven recruit, I was lucky to meet Myrtle who had been Haven's only gnome warlock. Myrtle took me under her wing and gave me lots and lots of advice about how to be a good gnome, how to be cheeky to the right people, how to teach my demons to do the same, and how to kiss boy gnomes without dribbling in their mouths. At this time, Myrtle was a good 25 levels or so higher than me and she was busy trying to get to level 60 so she could kill really big monsters.

Now however, I'm a healthy level 57 and a half and have started seeing more of Myrtle. We had our first outing together at the weekend where we went to Dire Maul with Adre, Qilar, and Arcamedis (Haven guildies). We both killed lots of stuff and had a great time. It was a proper warlock bonding session. We'd been collecting the heads of enemies and putting them in a sack. After we'd got Lethendris' Web, we sat down and peeled the scalps back, pierced a hole with the ends of our wands, and used one of the felhunter's spines as a straw. This is an ancient warlock method of gaining intellect and stamina but Myrtle said I'm not allowed to tell anymore. Then we stacked up the skulls and found that the pile was taller than us! We must've been very thirsty gnomes as we also had lots of cerebro-spinal fluid on our chins.


Myrtle and myself with the pile of skulls

Anyway, last night Myrtle invited me to her Spinners Class. This involves discarding clothing and spinning round very fast until we get dizzy and fall over and it makes us giggle a lot. At the moment we go to the Beginner Classes but we're almost ready for Advanced where we spin around on banana skins. There's a special class once a month in Zul Gurrub and to get there we had to catch the boat from Auberdine. While waiting we bumped into some fellow guildies which was nice.


Bumping into guildies at Auberdine

So anyway, we got to Zul Gurrub and found a nice spot and we took off all our clothes. It was a very hot day and we were going to get even hotter if we were exercising. Myrtle expressed hatred for the underwear that Mr Blizzard had made her wear whilst I looked down at myself in complete disbelief, realising we were wearing the same underwear. Gasp! What a fashion faux pas! Oh well.


Us in our skanky underwear

So we started running around and spinning and then all of a sudden there was this big booming bitch voice asking who we were and why we were invading her territory. We looked around and saw High Priestess Jeklik (level ?? elite). 'Right', said Myrtle, 'we're kickin her ass and giving her a bitch slap. Do you think she looks scared of us?' I said that she did as I spotted a faint dark circle of pee in the front of Jeklik's pants. Myrtle was sure she could smell poo as well although we weren't sure whether it was us or Jeklik. Anyway, we had our imps with us and the imps shouted at Jeklik, 'You smell like poop!' so we figured it was Jeklik who'd crapped her pants (plus she was running a bit funny). To be honest, it looked like she was ill as lots of fire came out of her bottom.


High Priestess Jeklik looks a bit ill

To be nice, we politely ignored her condition and asked High Priestess Jeklik if she wanted to join our spinning class but she was so tall she couldn't hear us. So we whooped her pooey ass for being rude and then went back to Ironforge to tell everyone who would listen what a 'Polly Pooey-Pants' Jeklik was.


The imps shout, 'You smell like poop!'

While we were knocking back our favourite drinks of Pinot Noir with Dwarven Ale chasers, we drunkenly decided to write a letter to Mr Blizzard complaining about our skanky underwear. Some dwarves over in the corner of the Ironforge inn were giving us the eye and the last thing we needed was to reveal our 'shortcomings' (so to speak). I mentioned an idea to Myrtle that Puppy had about writing a letter to ask for more toilets, and that we could do the same and ask for new underwear. And so we did ....